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Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
BY maria lorenz
I never thought I wouldn’t be a mother. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was my upbringing; mothers have daughters and daughters then become mothers, that’s what happens I can’t say that I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be, but who does? I also knew I was not going to be a young mother, I had a plan.
There is always a way things are to happen. There are plans. However, a strong theme in my life is me having a plan or a picture of how it should go, and then God says, “I’ve already written that path my daughter, just keep walking.”
My vision probably started in high school. I was to attend college, graduate, build my career, find the love of my life, have children, and grow old, etc…The ideal ‘normal’ life. My life and journey into motherhood has been anything but normal.
I did go to college, and I thought I was following the plan, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Looking back, I should have taken some time off after high school, I was highly unaware of what path I wanted to pursue, but the plan was college, nothing else even crossed my mind. One year in, I changed my major three times and was more interested in being discovered by a WNBA coach than school. Then out of nowhere I also met the love of my life. Some parts of the plan weren’t ideal, but some were great, so went with it.
Matt and I were engaged after a year of dating and then a few months later we found out we were blessed with our engagement present. This was not a part of the plan. I never even wanted to physically have children, I wanted to adopt. This plan of mine was falling apart. I was struggling in school, WNBA was not calling, and now I’m supposed to be a mother??? I was barely an adult.
Maria and husband Matt
No one knows how to be a mom. No one knows what to do all the time. No one goes into motherhood knowing everything, but I didn’t know that.
I never remember my mother saying anything like, ‘I don’t know it all,’ or ‘I’m just trying to keep up,’ She just always seemed to know what to do, how to handle things, and how to keep the family going. I thought that was in inherent ‘mother thing’. I learned very quickly it’s not.
I didn’t know that growing a human being in my body would be the most amazing experience I would ever have.
I also didn’t know that with all the happiness and joy that a child brings, that sadness even has a possibility to be present. I didn’t even know this kind of sadness existed. That sadness could be overwhelming and crippling. That it would seemingly ruin this amazing new chapter.
No one told me about post-partum depression. It was mentioned in a few of pages of paperwork I was given from my OBGYN, but never discussed. I didn’t even remember hearing about it in passing, ever. Again, the picture in my head of how being a new mom was supposed to be, was falling apart.
At first I would try to be happy. I didn’t want Matt, or anyone for that matter, to even know I was sad. Why should I be sad? It seemed silly. So I just put on a happy face attempted to tough it out. Then Matt would see my crying and I’d blame it on a scene in the show or my allergies. Then I couldn’t hide it anymore. In the middle of a basic conversation with Matt, I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know if I would ever be happy again. I thought I was the worst mom in the world.
Eventually, I did know happy again. I was able to smile, and mean it. I was happy to go see people. I was excited to have people come over. I was back to me. This all took time.
I had to ask for help. A major contributor to my depression was feeling like it was all up to me. I had to be strong, I was the mother. This was not true. Matt and I had to find that balance, and it was a life saver. I also learned to talk to people about it. I asked questions, I didn’t feel shame in my depression, but rather, stronger and empowered. My mother shared her own struggle with post-partum that I was completely unaware of. It was comforting to know that I was not alone and I was not a bad mother because I was depressed.
Through each of our children, my depression returned. But each time, I am able to manage it much easier. It may sound strange, but I’m thankful for my type post-partum depression, if there are types. Maybe levels are more accurate. On a scale where green would be easy and red would be the worst, I’d fall in the green fading into yellow. I know it could have been much worse, and I am grateful that my struggle was not in the red.
My growth and journey into motherhood has not been easy. Shoot, I became a mom probably 10 years earlier than planned. So learning and finding what kind of parent I wanted to be, was interesting.
The Lorenz family
I grew up in a structured household. My parents allowed my siblings and myself to be ourselves, but there were rules and expectations. When I was in it, I didn’t quite appreciate it, but looking back, I was so lucky.
Knowing I wanted to be like my parents did not hit me right away. There are so many books and speakers and personalities that say how you should be, of course I was influenced by them. Baby should nap like this, you should feed this, and you should not use this, blah blah blah. It seriously becomes exhausting trying to keep up. It’s not that I didn’t know anything, but it seemed to be working for that person, so why shouldn’t it work for me and my family? It took many years and just growing up to realize that my family is my family and we can’t be like anyone else.
We can’t fit the perfect mold of how a family should look, act, dress, and live. One thing that has helped Matt and I learn to go with the flow is our children.
We may have had some preconceived expectations when we had our first son. He was going to love sports as much as us. He would ideally be amazing at basketball, be discovered in high school, get a college scholarship to the University of Louisville, and then the NBA would come calling. He was named after the best three-point shooter in NBA history for crying out loud. It was destiny. Again, God already had that story written. To say there weren’t some feelings of disappointment, that he wasn’t all about sports, like Matt and myself, would be a lie. We were hurt. We would try and sign him up for activities hoping this would be the time that it sticks, and it just wasn’t. It was pretty frustrating actually. But, Reggie showed us, very early, that sports are not life. Reggie is smart, artistic, kind, helpful, considerate, sensitive, a video gamer, and is actually just finding his love of football. He is competitive and strives for perfection, but doesn’t base his life on a score board. I couldn’t be more proud of the man he is turning into.
Thanks to Reggie, we learned that having preconceived expectations should not be a thing. Each child is going to be their own person and we were going to have to adapt. And true to form, each of our unique children has helped us to grow and be the parents we are today.
The kind of mother I am today can vary depending on the day. I am not very structured. A lot of days it’s more like a controlled chaos.
Our house is not always clean. It gets clean, but a lot of times, it stays messy. And I don’t always care. I learned, thanks to child number two, that life is too short to worry about all the things you cannot control. I will not waste a nice sunny day on making sure my house is picture perfect. The dishes, laundry, folding, and anything else will have to wait. Enjoying moments with my children or even my husband on those rare day dates, those are what’s important. I refuse to attempt to meet anyone’s expectations, that aren’t my own.
I wouldn’t say I keep my daily expectations low, but I don’t have many expectations of myself daily. My amazing husband gets the older three off to school every day. I get to sleep in a little with our youngest and I am so thankful. It’s not that I’m lazy and won’t get up, I work nights. Matt keeps the ship steered while I sometimes just sleep in the seat next to him. So even on my nights off, I get to sleep in. I get to, for the most part, take my time on getting up and preparing for the day ahead. So on those days I’m off of work and my children don’t have to see my sleeping, I like to again, enjoy the moment and not be tied down to cleaning or societal ideals that are impossible to meet.
Society thinks it knows best. There is a way things should be done and that’s that. However, anytime I’ve seen, and tried myself, to meet those expectations, it hasn’t gone in my favor.
I’ve tried to be more structured, making sure naps take place at the same time every day. This stopped working with child number one. I’ve tried to be more social, but I’m not a play date mom. I’ve tried to be more Christian; presenting myself as someone who reads her Bible daily and has it all figured out. I’ve tried to be a creative mom. One of those moms who makes everything for their children; no store bought anything. I’ve tried being super involved in my children’s school; making PTO meetings, heading committees, and showing up for different events. I’ve tried to become who I thought I should be, and it hasn’t worked. So now I am just me.
I’m may not be structured, but my children know their expectations. We have a daily routine, and rules to follow. They’re happy, healthy, and thriving, so what more could I be?
I’m not the most social mom, but my children have their friends and I make sure they get time with them. I don’t have to hang out with their parents too, it’s fine. When we find families that have children and we can all hang together, that’s a huge blessing. We appreciate these families because they know what we go through. But sometimes, kids can go play and momma can take a nap. It’s a win, win.
I’m a Christian. That is enough. My children know God, they know Jesus. They know they are loved beyond measure by another Father who has laid out this amazing world just for them. I am proud of that and will help to continue to guide them. And I can only pray that I continue to be a model for them, but I will not give them a false notion of perfection.
Sometimes mommy doesn’t have it all together; sometimes I don’t know the answer. Let’s pray on it and go from there. Perfection is impossible and not real life.
I have spent crazy amounts of time and money making things for my children so they feel extra special. The more time I spent on something, the more I thought they would feel loved. Birthday parties, desserts for school, fun activities to do at home, or for entertainment on a rainy day. It was hard, it was stressful, and it honestly didn’t make any experience more enjoyable. In the end, I realized I was trying to impress others and not because I enjoyed doing any of it. If I feel like putting in a creative effort, I will, but I will not stress myself out just to impress others.
I’m also a working mom. This doesn’t mean I don’t love my children any less. My children love seeing me in a career I love and they know that I make a difference. There is sacrifice. I miss events, moments, and experiences, but I make sure my children know it isn’t because I don’t love them. I tried exhausting myself by being involved in their schools and activities, but in the end, my children were actually losing out on quality time with me. I balance life by work days and days I have off, and that’s working for us.
Being just me, means that I can be who God made me. I can be this strong independent woman who is also a partner to her husband. I have a voice and I use it. I speak up when I feel it necessary, and sometimes when it’s not. I don’t fall into the usual norms of what a wife should be and do, and that’s just fine. My husband loves every piece and part of me.
Being me means loving all of me. Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes I get so discouraged about what I see in the mirror that I lose all motivation for the day. Sometimes I love what I see in the mirror and it makes me want to continue for big results. I’m not a yo-yo dieter; I go with the flow of life. Sometimes I look fit and feel it, and sometimes, I want to eat cake. I remember that I am a role model for my children. I let them know how beautiful they are. I let them know that God made them perfectly. I let them know that sometimes it’s great to be active and we have to remember to take care of the vessels God has given us. Sometimes it’s mommy going on a run, or to the YMCA with Daddy, or just going on a hike with the family. Let’s just be healthy together.
Being me means that I can teach my children that they can be who they want to be.
They can love who they love, dress how they want to dress, and enjoy life. I will not push them into a mold that doesn’t allow them to be happy or be themselves. I know I cannot protect them from everything, but I will do my best to make sure they are children for as long as possible. That they see the good in everyone, and that they never feel like they aren’t good enough. I will do my best to make sure they know they are enough.
Being me means that I get to be happy, sad, angry, tired, and sometimes lose my mind. I don’t always have it together, and I don’t have to pretend to.
Because I can be me, others around me can be them. They don’t have to have it all figured out. They don’t have to have a spotless house. They can just feel like poo some days and I’ll be there if they need me. Their kids can be a little crazy, have some messy hair, or food on their faces, and that’s great. Chances are my children will as well.
My point is that people will have a lot of opinions about you, your children, your life, that way things should be done. Don’t listen. It may sound cliché, but other people’s opinions of you don’t matter. Not to say that sometimes sound advice is necessary and needed, but know who you are, know your family, and know who you want to be in life.
My ‘plan’ now is to not have one. That is to say, I don’t have any preconceived notions of how things are supposed to go. This epiphany has taken many years to learn, but it has brought me to where I am today, and that is the blessing.
Maria and husband Matt
Maria Lorenz is the wife to Matt and mother to Reggie, Destiny, Zoey, and Walker. The family also consists of 3 doggies and a cat.
Maria also works as an emergency veterinary technician.
In her free time, Maria enjoys time with the family, hiking, camping, watching movies, listening to music, and going on new adventures. Maria also enjoys running and the challenges and clarity running brings to her.
She has been able to complete a few marathons and several half marathons. She hopes to complete a half marathon in every state.
Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
By Heather Amos
Motherhood. I was a single Mom for 5 years. I was a young mom having my first child at the age of 19. Currently I wear the badge of stepmother as well. I suppose I have covered lots of Mom roles over the course of years.
Being a mother is absolutely not definable. Is that even a word? It is a medley of poems linked together in no particular order, all the while sounding lovely. It is bearing the life of another and always putting that life before yours.
It is not enchanting, this role, but it is magnificent.
The Amos Kids
As a mother you are expected to sow and sow, some screams and prayers included, and hope that eventually you will see the fruit develop from your child or children.
In some cases, we aren’t afforded that. Death, addictions and other choices trump those words we spoke years before. If we are granted the awesomeness of watching them flourish…wow. I would say what an honor.
Personally, I am thankful to my 18-year old daughter. She pulled open a tab in my life folder that I never even knew existed. She made me better. Not like the lame love songs, like for real, legit, agape love.
She sparked within me the challenge to show her what life was all about. Dreams? Goals? Early on, I was only able to show her what hard work was, as I put myself through night school and worked full time during the day. I think maybe she sees now, I did it for more than myself. Did I fail her on the regular. of course. But, I would like to cling to the hope that maybe some scraps of my nagging and preaching made their way onto her plate.
Now I am a stepmother also. I see that motherhood yet again requires adaptability to be who someone else “needs”. I do not fill the role or have to be the dream shaper or disciplinarian (even though I nag enough for both), but what I am assigned to be is an encourager.
In any form of mother-hood you are addressing, you will find that you are hated, and not validated at all.
This can be even more clear in the step parent role, but I have learned over the years that you have to remember who you “can” be for them, and not who they wish you were.
Heavy stuff, huh.
My youngest son is medically fragile. He has spiced up my mask changing exceptionally. The constant awareness of mortality and 24/7 care, not really required to that intensity of the others, brings forth even more new victories with each battle.
I know that some women refuse to be defined as anything specific, as not to change or challenge their individuality or accomplishments, and I agree for the most part.
However, I know, KNOW, that I have been a better woman, friend, daughter, spouse etc., because God made me a Mother.
In every capacity and all that it is. This position is highly valued, coveted and favored. So don’t down play the excellence therein.
I wish all of you others out there a blessed day to celebrate to hard times, the good times, the in-between times and just be in awe for a few seconds before someone yells and needs something to examine the fact that you brought forth life my dear.
How awesome.
A native of Lexington, Kentucky, Heather holds an associate degree in science. The mother of two special-needs children, she has eight years of experience in complex home care and is the veteran of seventeen years of special-needs care. She was motivated to collate the stories in I’m Not “OK” to benefit others in her situation, using her experiences to foster a strong and powerful community of caregiving parents.
Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
by: Le’Shae Robinson
“Your son doesn’t live with you?” is a question I’m often asked and I can see and hear the judgment when it comes up. No, my son doesn’t live with me. He lives with his father. No, I’m not a drug addict. I’ve had the same car for years now. I’ve had my current address for over a year. I have a BA in Communication. I have kept a 9-5 professional job since 2013. I freelance and help small business owners occasionally. Nothing is wrong with me.
My son lives with his father. It’s a really long story but basically my son’s father and I are no longer together for a number of reasons so we are working to learn how to co-parent while creating some form of stability for our child, hence the reason why he lives with his father.
Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual and I really wish it did.
Le’Shae & son Andre
It’s been trial and error for me. My son is only two years old but these two years have flown by and I have grown so much. I love being a mom. My son brings joy to my life. He is smart, funny, curious, caring, a natural born leader, loves to eat, sings all the time, and so much more. That’s what I know for sure today.
However, that wasn’t the case the first three months of his life. He couldn’t talk so he cried for things he needed. Sometimes the crying stopped soon if I could figure out what he needed. Sometimes there was nothing I could do to make him stop crying and so I would cry too. I felt defeated, sleep deprived, and sometimes depressed.
I breast fed him and felt so much pressure about making sure he had enough milk just from the time he was born until I stopped. I remember the lactation nurse coming in my room at the hospital and aggressively talking to me about how I might have to switch to bottles because my son was losing weight. My son was only a few days old! To add to that, I lived in a city with no family. My mom and I were disagreeing about things so we also weren’t speaking. It was really the perfect storm to put a damper on other things in my life and that’s exactly what happened.
So at the start of the new year, I moved out on my own. We made the agreement that I would get my son on the weekends. It was heartbreaking not to see my son everyday. It still is. It was difficult in other ways too. I live on the third floor and there isn’t an elevator so when I do have my son with me I have to lug him and whatever other bags we have up those stairs. They live 45 minutes from me and often I have to drive there to get him. It’s a far ride, completely out of the way, and it is a good bit of gas. I don’t have the relationship with his daycare teachers that I would like. I don’t get to spend every holiday with him anymore because we share every other holiday.
Sometimes I worry about what kind of meals his father makes him. Is it full of nutrition? Are there enough fruits and veggies in his diet? I have a lot of fears and worries about not seeing my son everyday like I used to. However, it it through the ways that I have learned to take better care of myself that I have become a better mom to him.
This isn’t a Tyler Perry film but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had to get in touch with God again. I don’t actively go to church anymore but I have a much stronger relationship with God then when I left that house. I lost a lot of friends after leaving. Some of my family members judged me. I felt alone and I was so it was really easy to just start talking to God openly about things.
I started changing how I talked to myself. I cut off statements of “I’m poor” or “I’m so fat”. I’ve replaced negative statements with “You’re worthy”, “you’re that chick today!”, “you have all the resources you need”, “can’t stop, won’t stop”, “today’s a good day to have a good day” and many other positive mantras.
In turn, when I started saying the opposite I started making the real changes to manifest the new positive things I was telling myself. I got a personal trainer who is awesome! She would pump me up in the gym. She would text me positive things. I started following her fitness group online where there was more positivity. Then in turn, I started losing weight. I started purposely choosing new friends who were positive. I started going out to public events that promoted positive messages. I even started a new business!
While these are all good results, it’s come with a lot of personal growth. For example, I overcame anxiety and negotiated a higher salary. I’ve had to professionally confront people on rumors that weren’t true in order to protect my reputation. I’ve had to barter services with people. I have completed and pushed projects and ideas that were near and dear to my heart that didn’t get the results that I wanted.
I’ve survived two months with no job. I’ve even had to let some friends go. All of these things were difficult for me to do. However, it is through a closer relationship with God, supportive family and friends, and daily positive affirmations that I have had pushed through these tough situations.
I use these same tactics when it comes to parenting my son now. I pray to God to heal my son when he’s sick and there’s nothing I can do for him. I make time with my son intentional by making sure we are surrounded by positive family and friends who support us.
If I get overwhelmed, I repeat positive affirmations over and over.
These are just a few of the lessons I’ve learned through being a mom. The greatest one is that in order to better serve your children (or anyone) you have to take care of yourself first so that you can develop mental endurance. Life will still continue to happen so how will you ride the wave?
Le’Shae is a mom, author, market strategist and business owner of Hair to Door online wig subscription service.
Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
As I was listening to “Life Changes” by Thomas Rhett, I was thinking about how relevant it was to my life. When Shawn and I got married we had this idea about how life would go. Well we all know life never goes the way we plan……
Over 8 years ago I began my journey in motherhood without even realizing it.
At the time we were traveling to Aruba and Las Vegas and here and there having a good time as husband and wife. One day (I can’t even remember how we found out about this) we decided to travel ten hours to Wilmington, NC. There was a promotion for a free stay and dinner if you booked an appointment to see a residential development they were building. We thought why not?!! It’s free and who knows maybe we will buy a house there! If you’re not familiar with Wilmington it’s a beautiful historic town built on the Cape Fear River and next door to Wrightsville Beach. Well we absolutely fell in love with this little town and when we returned home we decided to sell our first home and move to the beach!!!
Well like I said before, life changes! Not two weeks after we sold our home and was packing up, I found out I was pregnant. Keep in mind that we were moving on a whim. That meant we were quitting our jobs and just moving! Obviously I couldn’t just quit my job being pregnant; we needed to keep our insurance. Besides the fact that my mom would kill me if I moved far away with her grandchild! We made the responsible decision to stay and look for a home here. We ended up moving two houses down from our old house. Our neighbors must have thought we were nuts!!! They were kind of right.
We were bummed about not living by the beach but we were excited about this new adventure!! We were thrilled when Audrey was born and loved her more than the beach (that’s right; I said it!).
It was about two weeks in when the realities of parenthood hit us hard. She had colic, and I’m not talking that one hour a night of crying. If she was awake, she was crying. She took three 30 minute naps a day. You can do the math. She cried ALL the time. She also went through a 6 week period when she woke every hour on the hour throughout the night. We were utterly exhausted. I obviously still loved her, but I needed a break!! We both did!! Luckily she eventually grew out of her colic and is the BEST kid now! She’s so responsible, so sweet and compassionate. But, we decided NO MORE kids!!! We just couldn’t do the “baby thing” again.
The picture above is the vacation we took in 2017. We took Audrey to swim with the dolphins, took a sunset dolphin cruise and had the best time!!! It was the first vacation we had been on that we could actually relax because she was older and more self sufficient. It was AMAZING!!! I remember watching families with young children thinking “Shew, I’m glad we’re done with that stage!” Little did I know, I was pregnant with Brooklyn at the time. Talk about life changing!!! I had no idea what we were about to be hit with when we got home.
Celeste & daughter Audrey
It wasn’t until three days after we got back that I found out. I was going on Audrey’s school field trip as a chaperone to the orchard but that morning I woke up SO sick!! I could barely get dressed and I had to monitor 24 kids that day!
I pulled myself together and made it there (barely). A friend of mine was there chaperoning another class. She said, “You look awful. Are you ok?” I told her how sick I was. She said, “Are you pregnant?!” Umm no! Don’t be ridiculous!!! I’m almost 40 years old! No way, no how!! The whole day she kept asking me if I was ok and trying to persuade me to take a pregnancy test. I think I finally agreed when I dry heaved on one of the kids!
TRUE STORY! Later that afternoon she bought a test for me and dropped it off. It was like a scene from a bad 80’s movie…taking a pregnancy test and keeping it under wraps.
Our lives changed forever that afternoon. The lines on that test couldn’t have been clearer. I remember texting Shawn a picture of the test at work. Yeah I know. I could’ve been much more eloquent about it, but I was in total shock!! He called me and said, “Soooo….how do you feel?” I said, “I feel better now that I’ve had some crackers and ginger ale.” He said, “No I mean…how do you FEEL??” Well I was scared and shocked, but I knew God had a plan and I had to trust that. My whole pregnancy I was a nervous wreck. I thought, “There is no way I can do this again! I’m completely starting over and I’m almost 40 years old!! What am I going to do?!” We had even given away EVERYTHING! We had to buy all new baby stuff. We were literally starting from scratch.
Now we have two beautiful little girls (7 years apart) and wouldn’t trade it for the world!!! Side note: Brooklyn was such an easy baby compared to Audrey. We had a lot of people praying she would be much calmer and it definitely worked!!
Now we‘re not living our dream of spending days by the ocean but we’re living a dream we didn’t know we wanted until we had it!!!
I couldn’t imagine my life without my two girls and my husband. Days are hard sometimes, but it’s all worth having those big smiles in my small little world. Life definitely changes, but sometimes those changes are bigger than us and exactly what we need!!!
Photo by @momentscapturedbyhannah
Hi!! I’m Celeste, a KY blogger, wife and mom of two girls who are 11 months and 7 years. That’s right! I’m starting over in the baby world.
I am about creating balance between self and family. My passions are my family of course, fashion and food.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years with my two girls. I am both in the school age world and the baby world.
I love to share what I have learned on this journey called motherhood! I don’t consider myself an expert by any means, but I love talking about my experiences over the past 7 years as a mom!!
Moms need other moms to support each other and that’s why I love what I’m doing!!
Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
By Joy Bolton Berry
My name is Joy … And I’m the mother of three adult children ages 29, 27 and 23. My oldest son was convicted of a horrible crime and was sentenced to 24 years in prison.
Chase my first beautiful son has battled mental and intellectual issues primarily all of his life. He was also much larger than most kids his age and was a victim of bullying. He lost his father unexpectedly before he finished high school.
Joy Bolton-Berry
After two knee surgeries within two years it was no longer eligible to play basketball and became depressed and lost. This was a connection to kids that accepted and looked out for him. He was now forced to find another peer group to do the same. This peer group was kids that turned to drugs to soften the blow of life.
The background information is not for sympathy but a brief synopsis into the life of a good human being dealing with difficulties and ultimately making choices that impacted not only himself but his entire family.
For the past 14 years… I have attended court proceedings, talked with psychiatrist, made multiple calls to attorneys, made weekly jail visits (some entailed a three hour round-trip drive), accepted weekly phone calls, deposited money in jail account, and updated family members with pertinent information for 14 years!!!!
I dealt with sadness, anger, depression and most of all guilt. I was constantly thinking that I must have hurt Chase so badly that I caused him to behave so recklessly. Where did I fail at being a good mother? I felt so much pain for so many years. I was angry at everyone. No one is fighting for Chase but me.
I was tired. Change arrived in the form of a divorce, discovering self-love, and most importantly… my new relationship and faith in God. Anger, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, frustrated and was given over to God. I began to see my life outside of my sons incarceration.
I have fought so long for my son that I forgot to fight for myself.
Joy Bolton-Berry
There’s so much more to discuss as it pertains to intellectual disabilities and incarcerated persons, mental health care in prison facilities, delayed and nonexistent services for individuals reentering society, predatory phone in prison services, etc. you simply cannot fight everything and everyone alone. And I cannot dissect every moment of my life to try to figure out how things could be different.
What I’ve learned is to find balance. You have to find the joy in every circumstance. I hear the joy in my sons voice, laugh and smile. I will not feel guilty as I experience joy in my own life.
There’s so much to experience that I can give to chase, to uplift and motivate him. He is excited for me in spite of the circumstance. I could be excited for him as well.
Chase will be eligible for parole soon. I pray for his opportunity to make a better life for himself. He wants me to be proud. He talks about photography, animals and having a family.
Incarceration has damaged my family but there is still joy in the aftermath.
For that I am thankful.
Joy is the co-host of local show “The Joys and Lowes of Relationships” on Lexington Community Radio on WLXU 93.1FM and local columnist for The Lextropolis.
She is a vocal advocate for families affected by incarceration, neglect and abuse and a fierce community leader among women of color.
Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for ‘each one teach one’ women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
By Cicely N. Carter
When I was first thrust into the realm of special needs parenting, I feel like many of the articles I was able to find about being a special needs parent or Autism mom specifically we’re a little bit gloom and doom. Of course they spoke to hope and how the diagnosis is not the end of the world, but I didn’t find too many people who were truly celebratory. They celebrated their children of course, but no one truly took hold of the special needs parent title and embraced it. I now realize it may have been because at the root of it all, we are all still moms. No less than other moms, just different.
We are now almost 7 years into Liam’s diagnosis and I will say that the challenges we face today and the hope I feel for Liam’s future are a stark contrast to how we started out. I did not know what Autism really was at the time, but I do remember feeling very sad and grieving for the normal life I thought he would never have. Here he is turning 10 later this year and living his best life. Of course he and we have faced struggles and obstacles, but from some of the things I heard along our journey, the outlook wasn’t very good.
I remember when he was about 3 and ½ years old and we went to a meeting about SSI because as a single parent who worked and was in school, I still needed additional income to help pay for daycare and to meet our daily needs. As a part of the SSI application process, they send you to a third-party agency to do a psychological evaluation. Much of Autism diagnoses and evaluations are done simply by observation. The woman who gave him the third-party diagnosis, also told me that he almost certainly had ADHD and I should probably get that checked on and get him medicated for that as well. I remember seething internally and believing that there was some sort of racial or cultural bias because all the things I had read and observed from him at that point said nothing about ADHD. I ignored what she had to say and at 9 years old, there is still no ADHD diagnosis and Liam is not on any medications.
Cicely + Liam
Being Liam’s mom has made me grow and expand into roles I never knew I would take on. I have become Liam’s number one advocate. If I don’t believe something is pertinent to him or relevant for the challenges he faces, I speak up and say something. Although he is the one experiencing Autism and I am the one on the outside looking in, I have to use both my mom intuition and my knowledge of my child to make the most informed decision that I can about his life. Turning into an advocate has also given me strength and confidence in myself and in other areas.
While so often the focus on the struggle of Autism parenting, there is so much joy that Liam experiences in his life and joy that he brings to mine.
Due in part to Autism and to heredity, Liam speaks his mind and holds nothing back. He has said some things that have put me in slightly awkward situations, but it’s really nothing that I haven’t been able to laugh off and get over. Liam took his first international trip at 6 to the Bahamas and I’m not even sure he had one meltdown that entire trip. That was such huge progress for him. He got on a plane, we stayed at an Airbnb and then we boarded a huge cruise ship. Everything except the plane ride was completely new to him. He scaled that obstacle without a hitch.
There was the time a year and a half ago that Liam decided to play basketball for the first time. Although he complained about going to practice, he got better at dribbling and shooting and towards the end was finally engaged in the game. He decided not to continue his future NBA career, but I applaud him for trying because it was his first time doing a team sport and I know it caused him a lot of anxiety.
If being an Autism mom has done nothing else for me, it has made me appreciate and celebrate every milestone no matter how small.
Every single time Liam shows progression and overcomes an obstacle, I am his biggest cheerleader. I want him to know that there is cause to celebrate every triumph. I have experienced this life with him right by his side. I can’t be everywhere, I can’t know everything and I can’t ever see thing through his eyes, but I can be the support he needs. If that’s all I was ever meant to do on this Earth, I am more than happy that I was divinely chosen as his mom.
ABOUT CICELY
Cicely is a mom, a graduating nurse student, MUA and blogger behind @bougiebeautybabe. When not the co-host of the #MoreThanGraphics podcast Cicely is raising curiosity and exploration within her beloved son Liam. Follow her on Instagram.
Where do you live: I’m originally from Queens, NY but I also went to high school in Richmond, KY
Your current / past project(s): Some comics I worked on are Herman has Superpowers for the Webcomic Factory, BRAWL! which I self published, Wardens Watch, and I have a upcoming comic for the summer called Kaiju Killer Dante
I’ve worked on Marvel cards for Upper Deck and I’ve done design work for companies like ZOX.
When did you first decide that you wanted to create your own comics as a career?
Pretty young actually. I remember reading Spiderman and Appleseed as a kid and thinking that I wanted to tell stories too. I don’t think I actually took the steps to really learning how to do it until I was a bit older, but I always had the goal in mind.
Who has had the biggest influence on you outside the comics industry, and how did they affect your life?
I think the biggest influence on me is my mother. She worked really hard and showed me what hustle can do for a person that refuses to quit. I can’t say that I’ve seen anyone work the way she does. That’s why I don’t mind to lose sleep!
Who has had the biggest influence on your comics career, and how has that person changed your work?
Wow, this is a tough one! I’d say my biggest influences as an illustrator have been Lesean Thomas (Boondocks, Cannonbusters) and cats like Joe Mad and Damian Scott. Lesean Thomas’s journey has been really dope to see over the years. I’ve always leaned towards more stylized and animation inspired work, so seeing cats like them beast out inspires me to go nuts!
What do you do to recharge your creative batteries?
Read new comics, check out new and some of my favorite artists, play video games, and run around with my kids. They always have the best stories to tell!
Describe your typical work routine.
I have to have music! I queue up my playlists and start to sketch random whatevers for a while. Then, I usually pick a task and start to zoom in on that. I like to start with more conceptual things like storyboards and designs and then I move on to doing more finished work and line art after I’ve warmed up. In the end, I usually eat some snacks and celebrate my artistic victory by Milly Rockin over my drafting table.
What tools do you use to create comics and what makes them the “right tools” for you?
I used to work only digitally, but then when I became more comfortable as an artist I started to lean into more traditional work. Now, I have a mix of both depending on the gig. Digitally I use Clip Studio Paint and Photoshop for cleaning line art and coloring. I like to do my line art traditionally.
Bryce Oquaye
Bryce Oquaye
What element of your work gives you the most personal satisfaction?
When I can look at the finished product and see where all the time went!
What has been the most rewarding project in your professional career – in or out of comics – and why?
When I finished the mural for Atomic Ramen. The responses and reactions to it made me really proud. It really pushed me forward as a creator.
We’ve seen very talented newcomers who are trying to get their first professional projects. What’s the best advice you’ve ever heard given to a promising new creator?
Keep doing what you do. Make what you want and do it however you want to. Your audience will find you.
– Justin Stewart. Six Bomb Boards Founder / Comic Artist
Let’s get deep: What’s the most important “big idea” that you’ve learned in life – in or out of comics – and why is it important?
That no one can box you in or keep you from doing anything you want to accomplish. I’ve heard a lot of people tell me over the years that what I do or aspire towards wasn’t for me. It’s because there weren’t many people that looked like myself in the conversations, and that’s both creatively and in the materials themselves.
Over time I learned that no one can tell me what I can’t do. If you push forward through whatever difficulties come up, you can do what you want.
Don’t quit when things get difficult and learn from your mistakes, but NEVER let anyone or anything dictate what you want to do.
Your current project(s): I’ve got a couple of ideas brewing but nothing is quite announcement ready yet. Stay tuned though, I’m 99.9% certain there’s another Will project involving robots, monsters and possibly sentient food heading down the creativity pipe.
Website for readers to find out more about you: Instagram: @willhnsy
Will Hensley
Will Hensley
Will Hensley
Will Hensley
When did you first decide that you wanted to create your own comics as a career?
Well, It’s not something I really decided to have a career in, as much as it is a hobby I dabble in. As far as WHEN I decided to dabble, it dates back to about 2007ish when I would make very very simple one page comics using only mechanical pencil and SUPER rough sketches. They were really dumb and fun, but and I always had fun making them.
Who has had the biggest influence on you outside the comics industry, and how did they affect your life?
I suppose my biggest influence outside of comics would be my buddy Josh. He’s constantly pushing me to do better and is always teaching me new tips and tricks to improve my artwork. Whether he realizes it or not he often gives pretty great sage-like advice too.
Who has had the biggest influence on your comics career, and how has that person changed your work?
I don’t know that I have just ONE biggest influence, but rather a myriad of creators and artists I often strive to imitate and reference in my personal work as often as possible. Here’s a shortlist though for those who are curious: Matt Groening, Osamu Tezuka, Ralph Bakshi, Jhonen Vasquez, and Ray Harryhausen. All of them have influenced my drawing style or even just the way I view things from a creative standpoint in some capacity.
What do you do to recharge your creative batteries?
I like to re-watch or re-read something I really love in order to get ideas or even just analyze what it is that I love about it and see if I can plug that into my own work at all.
Describe your typical work routine.
My typical “art time” setup involves playing podcasts over a bluetooth speaker and making sure I have a Batman mug full of something caffeinated. Then I’ll make a pile of all the pens and markers I plan to use on a little side table next to my drafting table. Usually I’ll have a sheet of paper or a big piece of mat board or whatever all ready to go.
Once I have all of that stuff one of 2 things happens: I either mess around and make a bunch of nonsense doodles to work myself up to a serious project or I’ll just jump right in and get cracking on whatever the project at hand happens to be.
What tools do you use to create comics and what makes them the “right tools” for you?
I’m an analog guy all the way, I use bristol board, pentels, microns, a 2H pencil and various types of markers. I’ve always enjoyed the hand drawn / rough look of artwork and older comics. For whatever reason I happen to like working in this way and find that it suits my art style.
What element of your work gives you the most personal satisfaction?
The finished product, or rather what I end up referring to as the finished product gives me so much satisfaction. There’s nothing better to me than the feeling of an art session that I know was not only productive, but also provides me with this thing I made that I can be proud of and show off if I feel inclined to.
In fact there are even times where I can’t help but share the things I make that make me laugh as well because of how strange I made certain characters look.
Will Hensley
Will Hensley
Will Hensley
What has been the most rewarding project in your professional career – in or out of comics – and why?
My most rewarding project was easily my aforementioned student film I made back in 2012. That was my first taste at working with a team and overseeing the execution of a vision I had, and somehow bringing it all together and making something kind of entertaining. It made all the stress, long nights, and hustle of that project so worth it!
We’ve seen very talented newcomers who are trying to get their first professional projects. What’s the best advice you’ve ever heard given to a promising new creator?
One time I was at a Bruce Campbell book signing with a friend and when my friend went up to meet him, he told him he was an aspiring filmmaker. Bruce Campbell’s advice to him was very simple: “Don’t suck.”
Let’s get deep: What’s the most important “big idea” that you’ve learned in life – in or out of comics – and why is it important?
Ooh, that’s a tough question, but I’ll do my best here. Probably the most important high concept life idea I’ve learned, kinda goes back to my previous answer (the “don’t suck” answer, remember?). That big idea is the fact that more often than not rejection is a big part of any sort of pitch you could potentially make to a big publisher or studio depending on which medium you’re shooting for. Always keep grinding, always keep up the hustle and never ever give up on your dreams, no matter how often you hear the word No.
