Octane is built on authentic communities and founded on acts of selfless service. Mothers of May is a month long celebration of moms from all aspects of life. By hosting a space for āeach one teach oneā women share their own unique perspectives and lessons of motherhood.
BY maria lorenz
I never thought I wouldnāt be a mother. Iām not sure why. Maybe it was my upbringing; mothers have daughters and daughters then become mothers, thatās what happens I canāt say that I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be, but who does? I also knew I was not going to be a young mother, I had a plan.
There is always a way things are to happen. There are plans. However, a strong theme in my life is me having a plan or a picture of how it should go, and then God says, āIāve already written that path my daughter, just keep walking.ā
My vision probably started in high school. I was to attend college, graduate, build my career, find the love of my life, have children, and grow old, etcā¦The ideal ānormalā life. My life and journey into motherhood has been anything but normal.
I did go to college, and I thought I was following the plan, but I didnāt know what I was supposed to do. Looking back, I should have taken some time off after high school, I was highly unaware of what path I wanted to pursue, but the plan was college, nothing else even crossed my mind. One year in, I changed my major three times and was more interested in being discovered by a WNBA coach than school. Then out of nowhere I also met the love of my life. Some parts of the plan werenāt ideal, but some were great, so went with it.
Matt and I were engaged after a year of dating and then a few months later we found out we were blessed with our engagement present. This was not a part of the plan. I never even wanted to physically have children, I wanted to adopt. This plan of mine was falling apart. I was struggling in school, WNBA was not calling, and now Iām supposed to be a mother??? I was barely an adult.
No one knows how to be a mom. No one knows what to do all the time. No one goes into motherhood knowing everything, but I didnāt know that.
I never remember my mother saying anything like, āI donāt know it all,ā or āIām just trying to keep up,ā She just always seemed to know what to do, how to handle things, and how to keep the family going. I thought that was in inherent āmother thingā. I learned very quickly itās not.
I didnāt know that growing a human being in my body would be the most amazing experience I would ever have.
I also didnāt know that with all the happiness and joy that a child brings, that sadness even has a possibility to be present. I didnāt even know this kind of sadness existed. That sadness could be overwhelming and crippling. That it would seemingly ruin this amazing new chapter.
No one told me about post-partum depression. It was mentioned in a few of pages of paperwork I was given from my OBGYN, but never discussed. I didnāt even remember hearing about it in passing, ever. Again, the picture in my head of how being a new mom was supposed to be, was falling apart.
At first I would try to be happy. I didnāt want Matt, or anyone for that matter, to even know I was sad. Why should I be sad? It seemed silly. So I just put on a happy face attempted to tough it out. Then Matt would see my crying and Iād blame it on a scene in the show or my allergies. Then I couldnāt hide it anymore. In the middle of a basic conversation with Matt, I started to cry and I couldnāt stop. I didnāt know if I would ever be happy again. I thought I was the worst mom in the world.
Eventually, I did know happy again. I was able to smile, and mean it. I was happy to go see people. I was excited to have people come over. I was back to me. This all took time.
I had to ask for help. A major contributor to my depression was feeling like it was all up to me. I had to be strong, I was the mother. This was not true. Matt and I had to find that balance, and it was a life saver. I also learned to talk to people about it. I asked questions, I didnāt feel shame in my depression, but rather, stronger and empowered. My mother shared her own struggle with post-partum that I was completely unaware of. It was comforting to know that I was not alone and I was not a bad mother because I was depressed.
Through each of our children, my depression returned. But each time, I am able to manage it much easier. It may sound strange, but Iām thankful for my type post-partum depression, if there are types. Maybe levels are more accurate. On a scale where green would be easy and red would be the worst, Iād fall in the green fading into yellow. I know it could have been much worse, and I am grateful that my struggle was not in the red.
My growth and journey into motherhood has not been easy. Shoot, I became a mom probably 10 years earlier than planned. So learning and finding what kind of parent I wanted to be, was interesting.
I grew up in a structured household. My parents allowed my siblings and myself to be ourselves, but there were rules and expectations. When I was in it, I didnāt quite appreciate it, but looking back, I was so lucky.
Knowing I wanted to be like my parents did not hit me right away. There are so many books and speakers and personalities that say how you should be, of course I was influenced by them. Baby should nap like this, you should feed this, and you should not use this, blah blah blah. It seriously becomes exhausting trying to keep up. Itās not that I didnāt know anything, but it seemed to be working for that person, so why shouldnāt it work for me and my family? It took many years and just growing up to realize that my family is my family and we canāt be like anyone else.
We canāt fit the perfect mold of how a family should look, act, dress, and live. One thing that has helped Matt and I learn to go with the flow is our children.
We may have had some preconceived expectations when we had our first son. He was going to love sports as much as us. He would ideally be amazing at basketball, be discovered in high school, get a college scholarship to the University of Louisville, and then the NBA would come calling. He was named after the best three-point shooter in NBA history for crying out loud. It was destiny. Again, God already had that story written. To say there werenāt some feelings of disappointment, that he wasnāt all about sports, like Matt and myself, would be a lie. We were hurt. We would try and sign him up for activities hoping this would be the time that it sticks, and it just wasnāt. It was pretty frustrating actually. But, Reggie showed us, very early, that sports are not life. Reggie is smart, artistic, kind, helpful, considerate, sensitive, a video gamer, and is actually just finding his love of football. He is competitive and strives for perfection, but doesnāt base his life on a score board. I couldnāt be more proud of the man he is turning into.
Thanks to Reggie, we learned that having preconceived expectations should not be a thing. Each child is going to be their own person and we were going to have to adapt. And true to form, each of our unique children has helped us to grow and be the parents we are today.
The kind of mother I am today can vary depending on the day. I am not very structured. A lot of days itās more like a controlled chaos.
Our house is not always clean. It gets clean, but a lot of times, it stays messy. And I donāt always care. I learned, thanks to child number two, that life is too short to worry about all the things you cannot control. I will not waste a nice sunny day on making sure my house is picture perfect. The dishes, laundry, folding, and anything else will have to wait. Enjoying moments with my children or even my husband on those rare day dates, those are whatās important. I refuse to attempt to meet anyoneās expectations, that arenāt my own.
I wouldnāt say I keep my daily expectations low, but I donāt have many expectations of myself daily. My amazing husband gets the older three off to school every day. I get to sleep in a little with our youngest and I am so thankful. Itās not that Iām lazy and wonāt get up, I work nights. Matt keeps the ship steered while I sometimes just sleep in the seat next to him. So even on my nights off, I get to sleep in. I get to, for the most part, take my time on getting up and preparing for the day ahead. So on those days Iām off of work and my children donāt have to see my sleeping, I like to again, enjoy the moment and not be tied down to cleaning or societal ideals that are impossible to meet.
Society thinks it knows best. There is a way things should be done and thatās that. However, anytime Iāve seen, and tried myself, to meet those expectations, it hasnāt gone in my favor.
Iāve tried to be more structured, making sure naps take place at the same time every day. This stopped working with child number one. Iāve tried to be more social, but Iām not a play date mom. Iāve tried to be more Christian; presenting myself as someone who reads her Bible daily and has it all figured out. Iāve tried to be a creative mom. One of those moms who makes everything for their children; no store bought anything. Iāve tried being super involved in my childrenās school; making PTO meetings, heading committees, and showing up for different events. Iāve tried to become who I thought I should be, and it hasnāt worked. So now I am just me.
Iām may not be structured, but my children know their expectations. We have a daily routine, and rules to follow. Theyāre happy, healthy, and thriving, so what more could I be?
Iām not the most social mom, but my children have their friends and I make sure they get time with them. I donāt have to hang out with their parents too, itās fine. When we find families that have children and we can all hang together, thatās a huge blessing. We appreciate these families because they know what we go through. But sometimes, kids can go play and momma can take a nap. Itās a win, win.
Iām a Christian. That is enough. My children know God, they know Jesus. They know they are loved beyond measure by another Father who has laid out this amazing world just for them. I am proud of that and will help to continue to guide them. And I can only pray that I continue to be a model for them, but I will not give them a false notion of perfection.
Sometimes mommy doesnāt have it all together; sometimes I donāt know the answer. Letās pray on it and go from there. Perfection is impossible and not real life.
I have spent crazy amounts of time and money making things for my children so they feel extra special. The more time I spent on something, the more I thought they would feel loved. Birthday parties, desserts for school, fun activities to do at home, or for entertainment on a rainy day. It was hard, it was stressful, and it honestly didnāt make any experience more enjoyable. In the end, I realized I was trying to impress others and not because I enjoyed doing any of it. If I feel like putting in a creative effort, I will, but I will not stress myself out just to impress others.
Iām also a working mom. This doesnāt mean I donāt love my children any less. My children love seeing me in a career I love and they know that I make a difference. There is sacrifice. I miss events, moments, and experiences, but I make sure my children know it isnāt because I donāt love them. I tried exhausting myself by being involved in their schools and activities, but in the end, my children were actually losing out on quality time with me. I balance life by work days and days I have off, and thatās working for us.
Being just me, means that I can be who God made me. I can be this strong independent woman who is also a partner to her husband. I have a voice and I use it. I speak up when I feel it necessary, and sometimes when itās not. I donāt fall into the usual norms of what a wife should be and do, and thatās just fine. My husband loves every piece and part of me.
Being me means loving all of me. Sometimes, I donāt. Sometimes I get so discouraged about what I see in the mirror that I lose all motivation for the day. Sometimes I love what I see in the mirror and it makes me want to continue for big results. Iām not a yo-yo dieter; I go with the flow of life. Sometimes I look fit and feel it, and sometimes, I want to eat cake. I remember that I am a role model for my children. I let them know how beautiful they are. I let them know that God made them perfectly. I let them know that sometimes itās great to be active and we have to remember to take care of the vessels God has given us. Sometimes itās mommy going on a run, or to the YMCA with Daddy, or just going on a hike with the family. Letās just be healthy together.
Being me means that I can teach my children that they can be who they want to be.
They can love who they love, dress how they want to dress, and enjoy life. I will not push them into a mold that doesnāt allow them to be happy or be themselves. I know I cannot protect them from everything, but I will do my best to make sure they are children for as long as possible. That they see the good in everyone, and that they never feel like they arenāt good enough. I will do my best to make sure they know they are enough.
Being me means that I get to be happy, sad, angry, tired, and sometimes lose my mind. I donāt always have it together, and I donāt have to pretend to.
Because I can be me, others around me can be them. They donāt have to have it all figured out. They donāt have to have a spotless house. They can just feel like poo some days and Iāll be there if they need me. Their kids can be a little crazy, have some messy hair, or food on their faces, and thatās great. Chances are my children will as well.
My point is that people will have a lot of opinions about you, your children, your life, that way things should be done. Donāt listen. It may sound clichĆ©, but other peopleās opinions of you donāt matter. Not to say that sometimes sound advice is necessary and needed, but know who you are, know your family, and know who you want to be in life.
My āplanā now is to not have one. That is to say, I donāt have any preconceived notions of how things are supposed to go. This epiphany has taken many years to learn, but it has brought me to where I am today, and that is the blessing.
Maria Lorenz is the wife to Matt and mother to Reggie, Destiny, Zoey, and Walker. The family also consists of 3 doggies and a cat.
Maria also works as an emergency veterinary technician.
In her free time, Maria enjoys time with the family, hiking, camping, watching movies, listening to music, and going on new adventures. Maria also enjoys running and the challenges and clarity running brings to her.
She has been able to complete a few marathons and several half marathons. She hopes to complete a half marathon in every state.